Handle Stressful Situations Mindfully

This is the third part of a series of posts detailing my key learning points from the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course conducted by Brahm Centre Singapore. If this happens to be the first post you are reading, you can reorientate yourself with the different posts of my mindfulness journey using the links below!

A quick summary, there were three objectives that I had set out for myself before the start of my mindfulness journey:

1. Learn about mindfulness and integrate some of its practices in my daily life. Read about it here!
2. Empower myself with different ways to manage stress or uncomfortable situations.
3. Strengthen my bond with my wife through mindfulness practice (Post link: here)

And my biggest takeaway so far is the practice of intentional breathing, which you can find out more in my first post on mindfulness! In this post, I will be sharing with you how the course has empowered me to handle or approach stressful and uncomfortable situations better.

Experiencing Self-Discovery

Similar to how we learn important concepts using examples from case studies, much insights can be distilled from literature texts such as poems. During the course, a poem that was shared by the instructor resonated strongly with me about being aware of what are the unpleasant moments present in my life, and how I can change to adapt or avoid them within my capabilities. Let me share with you the poem below:

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

This poem by Portia Nelson portrays the different phases and progress of one’s self-discovery and change for the better. It struck a chord as it reminds me to re-examine my life, to identify habits and actions that could be the ‘hole’ that gets me emotionally and physically ‘stuck’ often.

Personally, I was able to relate to this poem with many of my life’s experiences. It could be the difficult interaction with colleagues at work, spending excessive amount of time on social media or something as small as pressing that snooze button every morning. Knowing that these are pitfalls that I usually walk into, I began to pivot my actions to either avoid experiencing them completely or at least reduce their occurrences. It could be simple actions such as the use of emails or text messages instead of face to face interactions with colleagues who I find difficulty in communicating with. For social media, I opted to delete the applications on my phone. This significantly reduced my time spent on those platforms while I am on the go, freeing up time to simply let my mind wonder or to ponder about problems I need to solve. To overcome the snooze monster, I tried locating my alarm further away from the bed. Ultimately, what worked best for me was to have the alarm outside of my bedroom. This forces me to get out of the bedroom to kill the alarm!

I frequently revisit the poem above, reminding myself to evaluate and simply be aware of the pitfalls in my life. This ties in directly to my second objective for my mindfulness journey: to handle stressful or uncomfortable situations. Wouldn’t the best approach be avoiding such situations whenever possible, or to reduce their occurrences? What are some of the ‘holes’ in your life? They might seem pretty daunting at first, but don’t be discouraged. Break those challenges down into smaller segments and address them creatively and progressively!

Common Humanity

Nonetheless, there will be unpleasant situations that can’t be avoided despite our best efforts. Our journey through life, learning different knowledge and skills also means that challenges from the new environment and people we meet are bound to arise. Humans are social beings by nature, thus interaction and inter-dependance is usually unavoidable. And interaction comes with both pleasant and unpleasant experiences.

However, in our daily pursuits we tend to forget that every one of us is going through life and its struggles at the individual level. Although each of us is different, as a human being, we are all similar in our strive towards meeting our needs and desires. Having recognised this commonality between all men and women, I was able to empathise better with the people around me and be more aware of the feelings present during my interactions.

Whenever I feel negativity from other people, I take a step back and try to acknowledge that emotion. Perhaps he/she is having a bad day, or that they are facing an impending deadline at their work that causes them to feel frustrated and anxious. Whatever it might be, I will try to understand where they are coming from. This eventually prevents me from personalising the negativity that is being directed at me, avoiding situations where I mentally prepare to refute rather than listen to understand the other party. This practice aids me in becoming a better listener, and also improves my ability to hold meaningful conversations more often.

The next time you have an unpleasant encounter or conversation, try to acknowledge the emotion you are experiencing and take a step back before you react. Remember that there are good and bad days for every one of us. The other party could just be experiencing a bad day, and unintentionally directing the negativity towards you. Don’t take it personally! Instead, challenge yourself to lean in and offer a listening ear.

A Powerful Tool

Sometimes, you are the one going through a rough patch. It can be very easy to dwell in negative thoughts, worry and doubt. And very often, we find ourselves bringing along these emotions along in our interactions with others around us. What usually happens for me, is that my decision making tends to be clouded by my emotions, leading to actions that I later regret upon reflection. Or, the way I react during my communication with others might come across as rude and unpleasant. Thankfully, the course has taught me a powerful tool to handle such situations: taking deep breathes.

Summarising how deep breathes has helped me from my other post, it gives me time to pause first before I face the task at hand as rationally as possible. With the pauses, I remind myself of staying in the present moment. This is crucial as most of the triggers for the negative emotions you feel (fear, worry, doubt, anger etc.) are usually arising from past events or future scenarios that have yet to materialise. Once I recognise the need to be present, it is easier for me to set aside those emotions and focus solely on what can be done at the current moment. Within my capabilities, I will do what I can now to handle the situation as best as I can. I must admit that it is very difficult to set aside the strong emotions, but it gets easier with practice and the benefits are worth it.

So the next time you feel yourself getting caught up in your emotions, don’t forget to take deep breathes and pause. Focus on the present and bring your A-game!

Concluding

As the saying goes: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” – Dalai Lama.

All of us go through life with our own set of challenges. It is inevitable that there will be unpleasant experiences, but how we perceive and handle such situations can determine whether we prolong or reduce the suffering. The best outcome would definitely be to eliminate or reduce these unwanted experiences, and it begins with self-discovery just as Portia Nelson expressed in her poem. Lastly, practice responding to stresses appropriately instead of reacting to them emotionally.

That sure is a lot to digest! Why not take a deep breath and let the information settle...