Looking Inwards - How I Navigate Difficult Dialogues And Lead With Trust
Having difficult conversations is truly not for the faint hearted. Sometimes, high stakes are involved, such as regulatory compliance or about a family's livelihood. There are also conversations that take you for an emotional ride, caught in between a cross fire of shouts and unpleasant vocabularies.
Is there any merit in putting ourselves in such uncomfortable conversations?
If so, how can we manage such discussions effectively?
Common Root Cause
The scope and scale of difficult dialogues can vary widely, going from high level organisation challenges to individual concerns and frustrations. In most cases, there is a mismatch of expectations between the stakeholders, giving rise to the need to surface disagreements and differences in opinions. Often times, the opinions that individuals have established for themselves are driven by personal beliefs and values. Hence, when their views are challenged or not met, it can easily manifest as an emotional reaction.
Merits Of Tackling Tough Conversations
To be honest, it is not easy putting myself in these conversations. Not only are they uncomfortable, but they demand a lot of mental energy and self control. It is very common to get caught up by emotions and stray from the crux of the conversation. That is why, when I partake in such discussions my focus is not to be part of the problem, but to be part of the solution.
From my personal experiences as a leader, engaging in difficult conversations successfully yields two major benefit: trust and empowerment. When you come to the table with an open mind and proactively listen and act with the intention to resolve, trust will be established. Following through and consistency is also important. As a leader, if you do not walk the talk and deliver as you have promised, the efforts of having those conversations will be in vain.
Once trust is built, subsequent communication will become easier and this lays a strong foundation for me to coach and inspire my team. Instead of solving problems for them or offering my advice immediately, I can openly question their views and assumptions to spur their own critical thinking and ability to accommodate with different viewpoints. This creates opportunities to empower the individuals in my team.
Having those difficult dialogues present opportunities to realign everyone's understanding and clear misconceptions. This enables us to overcome challenges and emerge stronger at the other end together. Not to compete nor to proof who is wrong or right.
Navigating Difficult Dialogues Starts With You
The journey to gain proficiency in handling difficult conversations will test and stretch you on many fronts. There will be people who are hot tempered, out right disrespectful or constantly having doomsday level negativity. If you are not mindful, you will be swept away easily by emotions. Therefore, having a high level of self awareness has been extremely helpful for me to stay grounded and operate above the line by being conscientious, objective and factual. Holding conversations based on facts and data help keep your stance clear and consistent. This drives integrity and solidifies trust.
Drawing inspiration from a famous analogy by martial artist Bruce Lee, be as adaptable as water. Just like how water navigates the changes in the terrain and environment effortlessly, I remind myself to respond appropriately to external stimulus instead of reacting instinctively. This encourages me to always listen to understand, incorporate new information, and be flexible in my approach to manage difficult dialogues. Especially when opinions and emotions are swayed easily and quickly, being fixated and headstrong in advocating what I think is the right solution can backfire and lead to egotistical conduct.
I have come to realise that there is no perfect answer or approach when dealing with communication challenges. Hence, I always remind myself to adopt a non-striving mentality. There will definitely be road blocks as communication takes two hands to clap. The other person whom you are having a conversation with must come to the party. If he or she chooses not to regardless, don't blame yourself for not achieving the ideal outcome. Just like how water flows around a boulder in its path, remain steadfast in your growth journey and practice self compassion to avoid burnout. Aim to be less wrong each time by reflecting and attempting to do things better within your circle of influence.
My Personal Progress
Leadership is about courage. It’s about finding the courage to show up and have difficult conversations, to take risks and embrace change.
- Brené Brown
It has almost been a year since I last wrote (post here) about my focus to develop my leadership and communication skills at my workplace. The context was a recent past with mismatch of expectations and poor follow through on work initiatives for my current team, leading to loss of trust and motivation at work.
As Professor Brené Brown has summarised, a leader has to take up the mantle to face tough situations rather than ignoring or putting them aside until they manifest into a larger problem in the near future. The first few conversations with my team were extremely tough for me, as there was a lack of trust and motivation. The challenge was then for me to consistently engage and deliver on my promises, one conversation at a time. Ensuring that my intentions are made clear, while maintaining high self control over my emotions and knowing when to step back when the situation calls for it.
I believe that my efforts are gradually paying off as there has been evident positive changes at work. First was when a seasoned operator disclosed to me that I have been the most dependable manager thus far, always addressing and following through on his work concerns in a professional and timely manner. Next, another operator recognised my efforts to promote inclusivity and openness at my meetings, which gave him the courage to speak up and share his opinions. The latest feedback I received was when an operator came to me with his idea to optimise the plant operations and sought my support before he shares his idea with the team. This not only shows his trust in me, but also his motivation to drive improvements at work.
Concluding
Observing these changes at work is really encouraging for me and positively reinforces my drive to continue engaging in those difficult conversations responsibly. One thing is for sure, having those discussions provides a platform for you to develop trust and effect meaningful change together with others. I hope that through my personal experience, you are able to take away a nugget or two to aid you in navigating your difficult dialogues and building trust with others.