Working Towards Mindful Communication
This is the forth and final part of detailing my key learning points from the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course conducted by Brahm Centre Singapore. If this happens to be the first post you are reading, you can reorientate yourself with the different posts of my mindfulness journey using the links below!
A quick summary, there were three objectives that I had set out for myself before the start of my mindfulness journey:
- Learn about mindfulness and integrate some of its practices in my daily life. Read about it here!
- Empower myself with different ways to manage stress or uncomfortable situations. Read about it here!
- Strengthen my relationship with my wife through mindfulness practice
And my biggest takeaway so far is the practice of intentional breathing, which you can find out more in my first post on mindfulness! In this post, I will be sharing with you how the mindfulness practices from the course has strengthen my relationship with my wife.
Handling Incompatibilities
Similar to the tides of the oceans, there are ups and downs in any long term relationship between you and another individual. Albeit some may go through more of either one of the experiences. Having settled down and getting married at a relatively young age of twenty-four in the society I live in, I am often asked by my peers: “How do you know if the both of you are compatible?”. A thought provoking question with no straight forward answer. Yet, I am blessed to have come across a quote by writer Leo Tolstoy, which has served as my true north for my relationship with my wife:
“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with the incompatibility.”
Interestingly, Leo Tolstoy’s insights have had a knock-on effect on how I deal with interactions with others as well. In a group setting, I often play the role of the mediator – ensuring that all the voices are heard, manoeuvring around clashes in opinions to settle on a compromise that is acceptable for all, if not the majority. In short, I am a person that avoids conflict and strives for peaceful resolution. These traits have helped me a lot when dealing with incompatibilities in my marriage. If I could sum up how I handled most of my disagreements with my wife, this is how it goes:
- [Acceptance] Sure, let’s do as you have proposed.
- [Change] I hear you, this is what I think would be the better solution to the/our problem.
- [Avoidance] Understand, let’s avoid a heated argument right this moment.
Over the years, many mismatch in our opinions and values were handled using the above approaches. Having an open mindset to listen to my wife’s proposal first and to not let my ego get in the way (when her idea is better than mine) of my judgement. When there are merits in using an alternative instead of hers, I will be as objective as possible when convincing her to reconsider. However, when our conversation gets heated up as neither is willing to compromise, I will be the first to initiate a timeout. But here lies the biggest problem, sometimes we don’t close the loop and these unresolved issues will resurface again in the future – subsequent experiences are often more unpleasant than the previous.
Unpleasant Events/Experiences
During the MBSR course, participants were asked to discuss what an unpleasant event or experience meant to them. Surprisingly, the classroom’s comments could be summarised into these four points:
i. when things do not go as expected
ii. presence of negative emotions
iii. physical pain or discomfort
iv. feeling/being judged
It was also during this period when I reflected upon past episodes of disagreement with my wife, that I realised my flaw of not closing the loop then and there. As a person who dislikes conflict, I had subconsciously avoided them or chose not to deal with such unpleasant situations. That is probably why I avoid coming back to the topic of disagreement with my wife to find a resolution together. So how should I overcome this flaw in the future?
An effective method to deal with such situations shared during the course, is to recognise that I don’t have to like something to be with it. It could be physical pain or a negative emotion. I have the ability to bring my awareness to it and accept its presence before dealing with it consciously. To STOP myself from repeating my mistake, these are the four steps I abide by:
S - stop your negative thoughts
T - take a breather
O - observe your mind and body
P - proceed when ready
This is done when I find myself walking out of an unresolved argument. My mind would definitely be inundated by worry/anger/fear at that point in time, all your typical negative thoughts. And that is the best time to center myself by taking deep breaths. It isn’t about letting go of the negative emotions. It’s about being aware and be in control of them before I proceed with any actions or communication. That is a very powerful moment for me, to recognise that I have chosen to be in control. I hope that you would be able to experience this moment for yourself too as you encounter unpleasant events in life.
Mindful Communication
After that powerful moment of self realisation and control, I am ready to revisit the disagreement with my wife. However, there are also other external factors at play before I initiate the conversation. If my intention is to have a mindful communication, here are four (again!) additional points to consider:
a) Is it true?
b) Is it beneficial?
c) Is it the right place/time?
d) Is it the right mood?
It is extremely crucial that the place/time and mood has to be right, in order for meaningful conversation to take place. Another common mistake I frequently make is to push across the truth and benefits when my wife is not ready to hear it.
Putting all my reflections together, I am working towards the act of committing to a time and place for the both of us to revisit our disagreements every time we experience one. That way, we both have our alone time to center ourselves, gather our discussion points and come back when the time and mood is right. The process isn’t easy but the journey of seeing how each of us improve in our communication, for our relationship – it’s worth all the uncomfortableness and effort!
Not forgetting that these lessons mentioned above can also be replicated for better communication with just anyone you encounter! Why not try it out for yourself?
Graduating
What a course! The practices and insights I gained from the MBSR course were tremendous and what I believe to be life changing.
As a graduate, I have simply arrived at the starting line of understanding and internalising what mindfulness is all about. Yet, I am already able to lead my life with greater awareness, handle stressful scenarios better and most importantly, improve my communication with my wife and the people around me. Lastly, I am appreciative of my wife, who encouraged me to join her on this journey to learn more about mindfulness at the start of 2022.
If you are new to mindfulness, I hope my personal experiences have encouraged you to learn more about this life changing practice!